confession: my neighborhood sex toy shop blocked me on instagram

exploring the white supremacist legacy of sex positive spaces

Nov 08, 2023

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In my imaginary romantic comedy life, I own a brick and mortar sex toy shop. Stocked full of meticulously curated pleasure products from vibrators to dildos to kink accessories to accessibility tools and gender affirming products to educational resources and erotica. It would be High Fidelity for a body safe, queer affirming and pleasure positive one stop shop.

So when Medusa’s1 moved into my neighborhood I was thrilled.

Especially because the way they described themselves was as “a boutique that’s rooted in sexual health and education whilst being a safe space for everyone.”2

In my neighborhood? Fucking score.

I felt like I’d willed their existence into being. I remember taking a walk past the empty storefront and saying to my sister how cool it would be to have a sex toy shop nearby, never thinking it would actually happen. A few months later, I couldn’t believe what was filling the space.

My sex education in high school was far from the worst when it comes to American public health education. Our school district didn’t preach abstinence only, and we got a fairly comprehensive overview of different methods of contraception. We also got a heavy dosage of fear-based teaching when it came to covering accidental pregnancies and STI’s.

But sexuality, gender, and pleasure never entered the conversation.

Instead when I learned about sex for pleasure, about queer sex and relationships, about how gender/sexuality/trauma/mental health/physical health/creativity/etc all inform our relationships with sex, or about where to access ethical and body safe pleasure tools–be they vibrators, dildos, erotica, or pornography–all of that education came from digital spaces. And I’m very grateful for that.

But, particularly in our modern internet, there are some big limitations to getting all of your sex education online. First–the internet feels a lot smaller than ever. Instead of finding their way to obscure forums and chat rooms and directories, people are mostly just hanging out on social media. And social media has a big censorship problem, particularly when it comes to sex-affirming and queer-affirming content, and especially when that content comes from Black folks. Sex educators, sex therapists, sex workers, etc. are constantly having to go into their account status settings on Instagram to make sure all those little green checkmarks are still green–because Meta can shut down your account without any notice if you post content that “violates their terms of service.” The trouble is, they don’t make much (if any) of a distinction between sexually explicit content and content that is merely about sex, so accounts are frequently shut down even when no community guidelines or terms of service have been violated.

Many companies find that when they go online to advertise, their ‘only options are porn networks and Google Adwords,’ says Brian Sloan, the inventor of the Autoblow. Facebook refuses to run sex toy-related ads, even if the ads are set to display to adults only or link to completely SFW content.3

In order to get around the censorship, sex related accounts often have to jump through goofy hoops, like spelling words phonetically or with characters other than letters to fly under the censorship radar. “Sex” becomes “seggs” or “kink” becomes “k!nk” and information becomes restricted and inaccessible in new ways. Folks with screen readers have to depend on their own ability to decipher what their screen readers cannot, and the comprehensiveness of the information goes down for all users. (Plus, when looking for kink educators or resources, no one is typing “k!nk” into the search bar. Keyword SEO has become the main way we can make our content found, so what does that mean for the efficacy of sex educators in digital spaces?)

And while social media is making more comprehensive sexuality education and resources accessible for people, there’s no regulation (other than the “community guidelines” every account is supposed to follow) for information that can be posted or promoted regarding sex or sexual health.

“In the healthtok community, there are educators with a big following who are also board-certified doctors, like OB-GYNs Jennifer Gunter and Staci Tanouye, but there are also a lot of folks who are not medical professionals, claiming to be "women's health enthusiasts" instead. Telling who is who can get confusing, especially if they don't provide any information in their bio about their qualifications.”4

Having trusted experts–which is what you hope to encounter at a boutique rooted in sexual health and education–can help you vet that information you encounter online and point you toward reliable and accessible resources to help you learn more or cover the gaps left by overgeneralized information. It should be a place to come and find new ways to imagine and access pleasure. The local sex shop has the power to be, as J.A. Cameron wrote in their piece Sex Ed Failed Me. Then I Was Hired to Sell Vibrators, a place that can:

“…obliterate[d] and reconstruct[ed] my understanding of what sex meant to myself and others…In the same way that working at Lovecraft filled a fundamental gap in my understanding of sex, the shop helped open up a public conversation about sex and pleasure.”

In the same piece, Cameron succinctly demonstrates both how this community space, centered around sex & pleasure, was a threat to the existing white supremacist power structure and made a target by the Toronto police department:

“On November 24, 1972, Toronto police raided the boutique, seizing all merchandise and charging the store’s owners and manager with obscenity. The defendants were found not guilty on January 15, 1974, after proving that the store operated in the interest of the public good. The store was charged again with obscenity in 1977.”

It is impossible to untangle sexual liberation and liberation from white supremacy: they are each incomplete without one another.

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On March 27th, 2023, Medusa’s posted a low quality screenshot from their security footage with big text on top of it that read: “BOLO for local businesses: Our tester for the Rose vibrator5 was stolen.” A cartoon image of the Rose vibrator was layered over a cartoon image of a burglar, indicating it was inside the cartoon loot bag. The second and third slides of the post share more low quality images and videos, the fourth slide was a fake missing person’s poster made instead for the stolen tester vibe, and the final slide was an image of a clown with a speech bubble reading “brb just going to steal a tester vibrator from a local business.” The caption on the post read:

Hey guys! If you steal something from us, no matter the cost or what it is, you will be publicly called out. This is for several reasons. Mainly, small business is challenging enough, if you steal from one of us, the likelihood of you stealing from other local businesses is higher. Thus, locals should see your faces.6 Of note, times are tough for us at the moment and yes, even though it’s a tester, we still have to pay for it.7 We still have to purchase it and “sacrifice it” as a tester that we aren’t selling so that our customers can have the luxury of seeing how it works to decide if they’d want one or not.

On March 23 around 5pm, the person in the jacket inspected it several times before finally coming back to the shelf, grabbing it, putting it in their pocket, then swiftly prompting their shopping partner to leave the store. It’s unclear if the shopping partner was aware of this or not. So if that’s you, sorry.

Because of this particular person, please no masks in the store unless they are medical. If you are the person featured here, bring it back and this post will be removed (no it will not be returned to the shelf as a tester, in case it was used on genitals in the time away from the shop). Also, if you are the one who stole it, please do not use it on anyone's genitals. Hundreds of people have touched that thing. The charger is also pretty specific for the Roses and it was already running low on power, so you won’t get much use out of it anyway.

It rubbed me the wrong way instantly, but unsure how to articulate why I was having such a strong response, I sat with what I was feeling for a couple days so I could unravel my reaction. On March 29th, I responded via DM:

hi! I live in the neighborhood and I’m a big supporter of the space you’re trying to create (I’ve donated to your legal fund8 and spread the word to others in hopes that they would contribute as well) but I wanted to reach out about a recent post of yours that really concerned me as a member of the community.
I’m a small business owner as well so I understand how much every dollar counts, but the post calling out the person who stole the tester vibrator I think has the potential to do a lot more harm than good. The face of the individual who actually stole the item is fairly blurry (I definitely wouldn't be able to recognize them if I saw them out in public and I've looked at all the pictures in the post many times)–and given that it's a person of color I think the likelihood of other business owners properly identifying them is far less than the likelihood of other people of color being racially profiled.
It also looked like a high school age person to me (probably from one of the two schools Medusa's is down the street from), which to me says they could be uninformed and can't access sex tools in other ways–this is not to excuse it at all, I just think understanding why someone would steal helps better prepare for the situation, rather than just blasting their face on social media. I also think if it was a high school student, and their face is now all over SM because of this, there is likely a lot of sex shame that is going to accompany it which is obviously antithetical to what you're trying to achieve at Medusa's. I think a post on the dangers of using unclean toys could have been more effective here.
Also-BOLO9 is a cop term. If racial justice is a value of Medusa's, ACAB applies to the cop in your head too.

To which they said:

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day and sharing this. You brought up many points and we will take the time they deserve to consider them. Warmly, Medusa’s

I told them “hope to hear from you when you do!” and meant it. But whether they considered my message or not, I never found out, because they never answered me again.

I admit, I can’t really tell if the people in the footage look high school age or not, because the quality simply isn’t good enough to draw any significant conclusions about their identities. I don’t know that they’re a teen lacking access to education or resources or a sex positive environment. But that’s exactly my point: the photos could be anyone. The narrative Medusa’s held and promoted when posting–that these people who shoplifted were dirty deviants with a plan to damage small business around the neighborhood–was no more likely than my thought that it could be someone just looking for some accessible pleasure.

When it was clear I wasn’t going to get a response, I decided to comment on the post in question, in the hopes of at least starting a conversation with other people in the community, if the shop owners themselves wouldn’t interact. Under the BOLO post I wrote:

tbh posts like this are really irresponsible. posting blurry pictures of young people of color telling local businesses to be on the lookout as though there isn't a greater chance at that fueling bigotry and racial profiling instead of actually "protecting' stock for other businesses. even if the tester is returned it'd be unsanitary to put it out again as you said; so this shame based cop mentality doesn't really help anyone. (especially given you don't even know that the person whose face is *actually* visible was involved in the theft.)

I didn’t get a chance to hear what my neighbors thought. Medusa’s hid my comment almost instantly.

On July 19th, 2023 Medusa’s posted another selected clip of blurry security footage, showing a man breaking into the store and stealing from the register. The video ends with a black screen, and white text asking anyone able to identify the individual to contact the shop itself or the police department. Their caption included the same call to action.

Knowing it was a losing battle to try to engage with the shop owners directly, I decided to just unfollow Medusa’s and give up my dreams of having a cute local sex toy shop I could depend on in my neighborhood.

Only since going back and reviewing their account activity again in the writing of this newsletter did I see how that particular tale ended: with another blurry screenshot of the shops security footage featuring the person stealing the register, bent over, their pants slipping down and revealing their butt10. The text on the image reads “RPD identified and caught him! We’re pretty sure he was identified by his wide-set crack and low-set cheeks.” Below the text is a cartoon image of a heart with a bare butt, cheekily turned around and smirking. The next slide has a series of “awards” for the identified burglar, including a gold ribbon bearing the words “Felony Burglary” two red ribbons for “Petit Larceny” and an additional red ribbon awarding “4th degree criminal mischief.” The post’s caption reads:

Rochester Police Department identified and caught the dude who stole our register. He was awarded multiple felony charges for his actions as he allegedly hit up other local businesses as well. Thank you, RPD! We greatly appreciate your work on this!

When confronted by others in the comments for the hypocrisy of positioning themselves as a leftist space that’s safe for everyone while praising the police, they doubled down, insisting that praising cops when they help you personally is actually fine:

we get that, and we are definitely left ourselves, but they helped us in our case so we are appreciative of that. Who else do you call when you get robbed in Rochester? RPD.

I didn’t see any of this myself until after their most recent post–which I only found out about after my sister

emily

came back from a walk with our dog, announcing incredulously that the shop had now put photos of shoplifters in their windows as a warning to other business owners.

Immediately I pulled my phone out and went to their account. Sure enough, a few rows down, there it was. Another post featuring security camera footage, this time showing faces much more clearly and somehow identifying the individuals by name. Under their photos is a block of text that reads “These two folks separately stole a substantial amount from us. We do know their names, but we have no way of contacting them. Please pay for the items stolen and this goes away. We hate to do this but this is the best police-free way to handle it.” The next slide includes more footage of the theft taking place, and the final slide include a PayPal QR code to “pay for items stolen, all is forgiven” and another block of text that reads“be happy we’re not sharing what you stole on here” right above a winking face11. The caption simply reads, “Oh, hey.”

The comments are filled with people begging to know what it is they stole so they can share a public laugh about it. A few others praise the shop for not involving the police. I sent one last message:

I know I’ve tried to speak to you about this before, but mobilizing your community to act like cops is NOT a good police free way to handle things.

Minutes later, I was blocked.

But the big problem is: none of this is unique to my neighborhood sex toy shop. The big problem is it replicates the same white liberal feminism that plagues the sex industry as a whole.

Lets look at another shop: Wild Flower. Here’s the language on their about page (emphasis mine):

We use our brand as a platform to authentically tell our story and respectfully listen to yours. A place to have the conversations that need to be had, to fight against the injustices in the world, and to challenge the entitled and exclusive culture created by mainstream sex. For years we have learned to be invisible, to disappear in a crowded room, to participate in life without participating. It’s time to take up space and find our own place - in the world and in our pleasure.
We may not always get it right, but we will always prioritize leveling the playing field so that those most marginalized in society feel represented, accepted, and valued. We invite non-judgmental, empathetic, and ethical dialogue within our community so we can grow as a brand and create a larger movement in sexual wellness that reaches higher and does more.
…Wild Flower is committed to changing the sex industry while being an advocate for historically marginalized groups such as Black, Indigenous, Nonbinary and Trans people.

Their actual reputation within the sex industry is not quite so progressive. Within leftist, gender non-conforming and non-white spaces within the sex industry they’re better known for taking legal action against Black & trans owned sex toy store, Shop Enby when they launched their “gender neutral sex toy” and were trying to claim ownership over the term enby12, transparently trying to eliminate any SEO competition for nonbinary pleasure seekers.

This aggressive attempted take down of Shop Enby wasn’t the first time Wild Flower was performatively inclusive and progressive while reinforcing anti-Blackness and transphobia in their private actions.

In their 2019 essay on Medium titled Dildon’t Disrespect Black Femmes: Our Personal Experiences With Wild Flower Sex Shop, somatic practitioner and sexuality doula Ev’yan Whitney, along with multiple other Black femmes and the sex shop Unbound Babes recounted their experiences of exploitation and attempted black listing at the hands of Wild Flower. While Wild Flower was happy to use the reputation of Black femme sexuality educators to boost their brand (and encouraged them to take down another), when the femmes in question began to speak up about their exploitation, Wild Flower worked to sabotage their other professional opportunities in order to keep things quiet.

“Ultimately though, the Black femmes say that this is less about Wild Flower and more about bringing awareness to the way many sex positive spaces still center and cater to whiteness, while profiting off "inclusivity" rhetoric.”13

Erika Lust, a white woman who positions her adult film production company, Erika Lust Films, as in opposition to the performer violations and sexist framework of mainstream porn comes up on almost every ethical porn listicle or directory there is. And in 2017, Erika Lust Films hired Black, trans performer Hello Rooster, who accepted the position with the condition that sexual boundaries, consent, and triggers would be discussed with cast and crew before any shooting took place. The film was directed by the white director, Olympe de G.

On the day of the shoot, discussions of boundaries, consent and triggers not only didn’t take place, but were “treated as insignificant.”

It later came to light that Rooster had also been raped by that same director, two years earlier, when she initiated “practicing” the scenes together before filming, telling them that rehearsal like this was standard within the industry–which it is not.

A joint statement between Hello Rooster and Erika Lust Films has since been released, signifying a peaceful end to the legal conflict. Just a brief peek behind the sex industry’s velvet curtain, propped up by white supremacy.

There is political weight behind the phrases and slogans sex shops decide to use to market themselves. Body positivity isn’t just about feeling good in your own body. It has political roots–a movement started by fat, Black, queer women.14 Body positivity wasn’t about feeling beautiful or convincing other people you were beautiful. It wasn’t about aesthetics at all. It was about the social, cultural, economic, political and material conditions of living in a marginalized body. Whether that was a Black body, a fat body, a queer body, a disabled body, an elderly body, etc.–body positivity aimed to liberate them all from white supremacy.

Modern body positivity is the gentrified neighbor of it’s fat liberation origin story. What started as a movement against white supremacist body norms has itself become whitewashed and commercialized.

Positivity in its current form is an unfortunate game of telephone. The necessary nuances and intersectionality have been boiled away to pithy hashtags and headlines, easily digestible sound bites that don’t allow room for the full political reckoning.”15

This commercialization of political rallying cries is in itself a political act. Turning body positivity from a recognizable political movement to a marketing term is political. When political terms are decontextualized like this, they can easily be used to prop up the exact systems they were once used to critique. They can also be used to divert attention away from the way performatively progressive businesses use their power to uphold the status quo.

To claim body & sex positivity is a political act. To publicly body & sex shame people you feel wronged by–whether the feeling is justified or not–is also a political act. It’s an expression of power, to use community standing to shame and rally against those you’ve deemed criminal and deviant. If your commitment to body autonomy and liberation is conditional, where do the conditions stop?

confession: my neighborhood sex toy shop blocked me on instagram

exploring the white supremacist legacy of sex positive spaces

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